Or the more descriptive yet less catchy title: “The Best Wines To Pair With The Most Annoying Social Media Stereotypes“.
If you are even moderately active on any social media channel or platform, by definition, you will be engaging in a quasi-social manner with other humans. And we know that – as humans go – the spectrum ranges from amazing to annoying and everything inbetween. And as the world has gone mad for pairing wine with everything from moods to music, I present to you a useful guide to pairing everyone’s least favourite online stereotype with a wine to make it a bit more bearable.
The beauty of social media is the eclectic mix of individuals that make it up. That same attribute is also the root of the more annoying side. I often scroll through my Twitter or Facebook feed seeing the same predictable drivel from the same predictable people. Yes, of course you can unfollow or unfriend these tedious turds but even if you clear the offending individuals from your timeline, carbon copy replacements will pop up in time. So rather than spending inordinate amounts of time scrubbing my timeline, I have some wine to deal with the whining. I think some wines are particularly effective when dealing with specific types of bothersome bodies, so here is my definitive lists of wines to pair with all those eye-rolls:
- The Hashtag Harlots
Platform: Twitter / Instagram
Who are they? Characterized by promiscuous use of hashtags – hashtags everywhere – these are usually people who post to Instagram but also share directly to Twitter. Like mini SEO meltdowns, they’ll use hashtags for anything remotely related to what they’re posting as well as a few that have no bearing on the subject matter. E.g. “Yay, wine! #winewednesday #wine #merlot #riedel #alcie #OMG #vino #winecountry #WTF #BFF #crunked”
Wine: To cut through the dense thickness of the content matter, you will need a fresh, slightly acidic Sauvignon Blanc. Something to provide you with crisp relief when you’re suffocated by a flood of inane hashtags.
- The Mommy Not-So-Bloggers
Platform: Facebook / Twitter
Who are they? Referring less to bloggers who actually produce helpful, often witty, content about the perils and pearls of motherhood and more to the meaningless moanings of the pregnant and the parental. By all means, share your precious moments on social media. That’s what it’s there for. We’re (mostly) all friends here. Just be mindful that if you’ve stripped your own identity of everything besides having produced offspring (i.e. when it’s all you ever talk about or everything you say is tied into it somehow), you can’t really get prickly when people accept that and only engage in terms of your maternal status.
Wine: Traditionally associated with maternal preferences, you’ll definitely want to avoid Chardonnay and rather go for something more exotic, but still spectacular and richly rewarding. My choice here would be a marvelous Roussanne or Semillon. While they’ll spend the foreseeable future exhausted and covered in child-manufactured fluids, you’ll still be footloose and infant free.
- The TMI-ers
Platform: Facebook / Twitter
Who are they? Some people have messy lives. Drama. Intrigue. Like a 90’s soap opera. Most don’t, though. This doesn’t prevent a number of people from sharing their every tedious move in grotesque detail. It may involve a breakup. Or a bowel movement. You just never know. But you will be scarred for life.
Wine: This will likely be a heavy situation which will require a more serious wine. You’ll need to hit back with one of the big guns – a bold Cabernet Sauvignon with a near-sedative effect to assist your recovery.
- The “Lifestyle” bleggers
Who are they? My disdain for this lot is no real secret. “What’s that? You’re a lifestyle blogger? You were at the Ford Mustang launch? You drive a Chery QQ? Riiiiiight.” Everything is amazing, as long as it’s free and on the way to them. The princes/princesses of the press drop. You’ll find a lot more integrity in the structure of the wine you’re sipping while reading their latest rave review (not like they ever write any other type of review than “rave”, of course).
Wine: These call for something crisp, clear and contemporary to cut through the fog of BS – I’d go for an immaculate Cinsult or an honest Grenache.
- The Candy Crush Saga inviters
Platform: Everywhere. They’re everywhere!!!!
There is no wine in the world that can help you deal with them. Only tequila. Or vodka. Preferably both.